Technical Difficulties
by Markus Wolfe
Summary: As much as Kiba and Akamaru loved winter, it filled Shino with great suffering and hatred towards the season. And if it ever changes, it's only for the worse.


It was a chilly winter day in Konoha. The temperature registered well below zero, regardless of the measurement used. And yet, in all its glacial cruelty, the world was beautiful that day. Fluffy snowflakes fell from the clouded out sky like downy feathers from an all-supermodel pillow fight. The expansive forests, stripped bare of their leafy dresses by the short fall season, were dressed in what seemed to them elegant wedding gowns. The training field, a vibrant green meadow in the warmer months, was a fresh sheet of paper waiting to be drawn on. The very buildings of Konoha seemed as wrapped in blankets as its people were.

Preparing himself for the wrath of winter, Kiba donned his newly-issued winter coat and pants (now that Naruto had finally become Hokage, the broken seasonal uniform system had been fixed). He zipped up the heavily padded jacket while Akamaru barked impatiently from the door. "Alright, alright Akamaru! I'm going as fast as I can!" he barked back slipping on his fingerless gloves. He could already feel himself getting warm under the collar; damn, this coat was much better than the ones he had gotten in previous years. He'd overheat if he wore that oversized cape issued in years past. He pushed the door open, and Akamaru bounded out into the snowy world. Kiba felt the chill hit his face, and decided he still needed one more piece of clothing. He reached into his closet and pulled out one of the few things his father had left him. He threw the furry, dark grey man-shawl over his shoulders and glanced briefly at the hallway mirror to make sure he had it on right. Then he switched off the light, walked out the door, locked it behind him, and bounded after Akamaru towards the training fields.

By some cruel cosmic irony, Kiba and Akamaru enjoyed winter as much as it made Shino suffer. The Abarume clan had always been restricted to warm weather activities; the heat their bodies produced naturally was mostly consumed by the parasites, leaving both the host and their beetles extremely vulnerable to cold weather. Hence, Shino's extreme measures.

Like Kiba, Shino lived in a small three-room (bedroom, bathroom and kitchen) home inside his clan complex. Unlike Kiba, his indoor heating unit had broken 2 weeks ago and his home had been getting steadily colder since then. The repairman said it was irreparable and that a replacement was his only option. So he spent almost half his 'hibernation fund' ordering a new unit. The catalogue said that shipping would take 3 days for doorstep delivery. It hadn't shown up yet. At first he had been able to stave off the cold by keeping his oven open and running at all times, but then a storm had wreaked havoc on the power grid and melted most of Shino's fuse box. Anyone with any technical know-how was tied up fixing the grid, and Shino had to make do with the one pair of working outlets he had. He used it to power his microwave and lamp. He ran a full tub of boiling hot water everyday, and moved his bed into the middle of the room. He constructed a tent of bed sheets around it, and wrapped himself in thick blankets. Shino spent almost all of his time in his bed, doing crosswords, Sudoku and other mental puzzles by the light of his solitary lamp. When he got hungry, he'd grab an insta-ramen (praise Naruto for providing every shinobi with a large emergency ration of insta-ramen) from under his bed and crawl out of the tent, moving like a worm in his cocoon of blankets over to his microwave.

And just that morning, the morning he had decided to bathe and rid himself of his appalling body odor, the tub was frozen over and he couldn't get a drop of water from any of the taps in his house. Any other year, he'd just have to deal with the usual cabin fever that came from staying inside so long. But this was hell, plain and simple.

"Frozen over?" Naruto exclaimed in disbelief.

"Precisely." Shino calmly answered as he shampooed his hair. The other guests in the Hokage's private hot spring were the rest of the male members of the Rookie 12. "I just don't know what I'm going to do now. I'd go back to my parents, but they get really cozy if left alone during winter." He shuddered, remembering the time he walked in on his parents the previous year.

"Damn, I knew it was cold last night, but not that cold." Naruto muttered, shaking his head. He turned to Shikamaru. "How are the repairs on the power grid going?"

"Not as well as I hoped they would be." The Nara sighed. "The grid itself is fine so to speak, but the transformers are on the brink of complete failure. We need literally every worker we have on site to keep the system working. I know it's troublesome, but until those parts we ordered come in, Shino's going to have to deal with his situation indefinitely."

An obvious look of disappointment spread over Naruto's face as he realized that he could not use his power to help one of his friends. "Neji, have we got any room in the Hyuuga complex?"

"Not since the incident with the giant mole."

"Oh, right. I almost forgot about that." Naruto scratched his head. "Did we ever figure out why he was here?"

"There was no evidence to suggest any of the other villages have mole summons, so we just presumed that it was just chasing the giant worm the Abarume clan had lured up the week before."

Naruto stared perplexedly at Shino. "Why did you guys lure the worm up again?"

"Proof of concept for controlling non-vertebrae other than beetles." Shino explained as he applied shaving cream to his face.

Naruto stared vacantly at nothing, as if he was constructing a puzzle in his mind. "If the worm was lured into the Abarume complex, why did the mole surface in the Hyuuga complex? They're on the opposite sides of town."

Silence fell over the group as they pondered Naruto's question. Shino calmly went over his face with his razor blade. "So, I'm guessing none of you have any spare room." His query was answered by a series of mumblings that all sounded like 'no'.

Well, except for Lee. But Lee was….Lee. Just Lee. So of course he would never mumble anything. Lee instead shouted gleefully as he always did, throwing in 'youth' and many other positive words so that it sounded like he was speaking of something they could actually be cheery about, instead of their own lack of ability to save one of their friends from his own personal hell. Do not ask me his exact words, for my cynical mind cannot comprehend them, and I would surely go insane from the revelation of such optimistic idealism. In fact, I am so sure that it would drive me insane that I have asked a friend to upload this in case I actually figure it out.

Shino sighed poignantly. "Well, I suppose I can check the post office to see if my heater's come in. It would have to go there before it got to my doorstep, and it is quite possible that with all the chaos going on the deliveryman never got around to it." He said, wiping his face clean with a cloth. "Are any of you up to going with me? The cold renders me extremely vulnerable to assassination attempts; even coming here was a life-endangering move."

"Eh, my training's done for the day." Kiba declared. "Akamaru and I are good to take you."

Shino waited outside the post office impatiently. Buried beneath several layers of the most insulated coats he could find, he was still gripped by the icy wind. Kiba emerged from the building face flushed red with anger, Akamaru following closely behind. Shino shook his head. "Why, Kiba. Why did you start a fight with the postmistress?"

"You know why!" Kiba retorted angrily, soldiering on, forcing Shino to trail him. "She used that voice on me!"

"What voice, Kiba?"

"THE VOICE THAT WOMEN RESERVE FOR DUMB ANIMALS!"

"That's because you were acting like one."

And with that comment, Kiba stopped in his tracks. He was immediately filled with great suspicion. Shino was _never_ that straightforward. Usually, he would ask a question that most people would leave unspoken before explaining himself in a fair amount of detail. He would also restate facts in a more technically correct fashion, but then he did not point out that the voice in question was also reserved for small children.

"Kiba? Is something wrong?"

He had spent a fair amount time inside arguing; plenty of time for an infiltrator to kill Shino, dispose of the body, put his clothes on to mask the scent and apply a disguise jutsu to himself. It would have been a perfect job….if it hadn't been for his one tiny mistake.

"Kiba, the cold is dampening my mental faculties; I can't read you like I usually can. If there's something wro-"

Kiba performed a perfectly executed spinning roundhouse kick on the would-be impersonator's neck. His victim collapsed to the ground, completely motionless. Kiba laughed victoriously. "That was very clever, assassinating Shino while the cold made him weak and taking his place beneath all those coats, but it wasn't enough to fool me!"

"Kiba, you fucking moron."

Kiba blinked. "Shino?"

"Yes, it's actually me."

"B-b-but you were speaking all clear-cut and to the point!"

"I told you, the cold is dampening my mental faculties. I did not possess the brain power to say what I said in anything other than the simplest manner possible. Now if you would be kind enough to carry me to the hospital before I die, I can't feel anything below my neck and I've begun to hallucinate vividly."

"Hospital! Right!" Kiba picked up Shino as gently as he could, taking great care to keep his neck from breaking anymore than it already had, and got onto Akamaru's back. "Come on Akamaru, let's-"

"THE CATS! THE MANGY CATS WANT TO EAT ME! I AM MADE OF SUSHI! DON'T LET THEM GET THE WASABI ON ME!"

"GO!"

Fortunately, Shino's numerous coats cushioned the roundhouse so that instead of having to wear a neck cast for weeks or being a quadriplegic for the rest of his life, his injuries were resolved by some quick medical attention and a few days resting in the hospital. And it was a good few days resting in the hospital. The nurses were very kind to him, and not bad looking either. The food was flavorful and filling; far superior to insta-ramen in his opinion. He got Get Well cards from all his friends and family. And best of all, Kiba checked the post office for him everyday.

"Still no luck at the post office." Kiba told him on check out day. "The doctors are sure you're good to leave?"

"They said I shouldn't do any strenuous activity for the next month, but that shouldn't be a problem."

They walked out the hospital door, back out into the frosty world. "I really am sorry-"

"Don't be. I would've done more or less the same in your position."

"Really?"

"Kiba, if you ever stopped acting like a barbarian, I'd neutralize you without a second thought."

Kiba chuckled. "Thanks for telling me that. I was about to blow 2 B-ranks worth of pay on anger management classes. But if you're just going to 'neutralize' me….." The barking of a small dog was heard in the distance. Kiba's face contorted as he recognized it as the hound of one of his many younger cousins. And they were both in trouble. Not 'Help I'm pinned down by an S-rank criminal' kind of trouble, but at least a 'Help I'm dangling off a cliff and my grip is slipping' sort of trouble. Akamaru was also clued in and barked loudly, passing the message on to any other Inuzuka in the vicinity.

It didn't take Shino very long to figure out what was happening. "I should be fine from here." Nodding gratefully, Kiba jumped on Akamaru and rode off to the source of the barking.

Shino made it to the Abarume complex without incident. But he could not help to pause as he reached the gates. No solution had been found to his heating problem. That meant he had to move back in with his parents. If he knocked on their door anytime in the next hour, the chances of them being too 'busy' to answer would be 16 to 1. And even with his coats, he wasn't going to last another 15 minutes outside. Desperation sinking in at last, he looked around, hoping to find a last minute solution.

Now, there is a clan of nobles (who, to prevent other Abarume from doing what Shino did, shall remain unnamed) in the Land of Fire who have possibly the fourth most useless publically known bloodline in all of the Shinobi Nations: The Hokoa, or Fire Core. It didn't do anything other than raise their internal temperatures by 10 degrees Celsius, and their external temperatures accordingly. It didn't allow them to do anything other than dress a little skimpier than anyone else either.

Shino saw a prominent member of this clan and recognized him as a member of the clan immediately by the distinct clan symbol (again, for the safety of the clan, information is withheld here) on his outfit. He also recognized him and his teen daughter, who was dragged along by a pair of beefy guards, struggling as any drama queen would, as carriers of the Hokoa (do I even have to tell you why I can't tell you how he could tell they were carrying the Hokoa at this point?) The noble walked up to Shino and asked him "Are you the jonin Shino Abarume?" The bug ninja nodded solemnly. The noble looked around to make sure no one was looking. "My daughter's turned into a spoiled bitch over the last 3 years. A friend of mine had a similar problem once…..and he said you fixed it."

Ah, yes, he remembered that incident.

There was a watering hole in Konoha by the name of 'Takashi's Konton' (ie, Takashi's Chaos) that was extremely popular with the men of the Inuzuka clan. In fact, it was so popular, not only did they make up 90% of the patronage, but any Inuzuka man that lived to be 20 or older had been to the Konton at least 100 times. To pander to his largest demographic, Takashi made the wise decision of only hiring young, attractive, single semi-scantily dressed women to be waitresses. Now, this wasn't exactly a bad gig…..if you didn't mind all the wolf whistles, obvious sexual advances, lewd compliments, blatant innuendos, sniffs, occasional groping and various other minor forms of sexual harassment that came with the job. And that's nothing to say of what they had their dogs do. It wasn't that the Inuzuka didn't respect women; it was just that they didn't figure out how until about their third girlfriend and by that point they'd also figured out that the Konton was a place they could always get away with it.

A few months before, a noble he was escorting on a business trip had complained to Shino about his good-looking but unreasonably disobedient daughter. Long story short, Shino tricked the girl into working at the Konton for 5 weeks, after which she never disobeyed her father (whom, I might add, handed Shino several months worth of pay afterwards) again.

"Why, yes, yes I did."

The noble man shifted his eyes side to side. "Do you think you could solve my problem, then?"

"Perhaps….but it would probably take until the weather warms up around here."

Unaware of exactly he was subjecting his daughter to, the noble happily handed Shino a fat sack of coinage. "Here's the down payment. Send her back to me when you are finished, and I'll pay you the rest." He turned to leave but stopped himself to impart one last crucial instruction. "And remember, don't damage the goods."

Shino understood completely. Fortunately, his plan did not involve 'ruining the goods' and by 'goods', both men meant genitalia. Shino would have had to change his plan considerably if by 'goods' he had meant the girls sanity.

"You what?"

"I thought I explained this to you quite clearly. I stripped her of her clothing, took her to bed, and spent the rest of the winter lying in bed with her, absorbing her warmth."

"And your beetles?"

"They were really partial to her. I've never seen them swarm someone like that without me telling them to."

At a first class table in the Konton, or at least the closest thing the Konton had to a first class table, Kiba shook his head. Shino had just finished describing what he had put that poor brat from before the last breaker all winter long. "I know you said the cold got to your head, but for fuck's sake Shino, that is just plain messed up."

"I don't see what you're talking about. Were my actions really so irrational under my conditions? Consider that the odds of walking in on my parents while in their house at any given time in the winter is an average of 15 to 1……"

"_**YES!**_ YOUR ACTIONS WERE **FUCKING** _INSANE_!"

"Kiba, you're getting angry because I used a woman as an electric blanket for a few months."

"_**EXACTLY!**_ I THOUGHT YOU WERE BETTER THAN THAT!!"

Shino shook his head. "And you are the pinnacle of chivalry, I presume?"

"WHAT'S **THAT** SUPPOSED TO MEA-" Kiba stopped mid-outburst to stare at a waitress of particularly nice dimensions. "Woah, _that_ is a **nice** piece of ass. Mmm-mmmm. Breasts aren't bad either." Kiba let loose his distinctive wolf whistle to get the girls attention and winked quite deliberately at her. The girl shuddered and scurried away. Interpreting this as a good thing, Kiba smiled stupidly… until he realized his own folly. "I just proved your point, didn't I?"

"Indeed, indeed you did." Shino remarked coolly, casually looking over the menu.

"Damnit Akamaru, I told you to warn me when I did that!" The hound whimpered, and Kiba felt a pang of regret in his heart. He roughly tussled the top of his head (you have no idea how much Akamaru loved that) and returned to his conversation with Shino. "Alright, I'm not exactly a gift to womankind."

"Well, I wouldn't say that. They do seem quite fond of your…. sexually......... aggressive…….. temperament. In fact, I must admit that sometimes I feel quite…… inadequate….. standing beside your…..outrageous…..echelon of masculinity."

"Heh. You wouldn't be the first. Don't worry, the girls here are so used to my tactics they wouldn't stand a chance against your 'intellectualism'. Seriously, if you can make a poem out of the name of just _one_ girl here, the next thing you know they'll all be lining up for a little 'rear ending' if you get my meaning." Kiba's face contorted as he felt something uncomfortable in the folds of his seat. Reaching down into the cracks, imagine his surprise when he found- "SWEET BOOZE IN A CAN! Alright! This is awesome!"

Shino stared on as Kiba popped the can in his mouth, chewed it thoroughly, and then swallowed it. Just to reiterate for those who don't get it, he _chewed __**metal**_, which would give it _numerous __**sharp **__edges_, and _**swallowed**__ it_. A moment passed in silence. "Kiba…."

Kiba's face twisted in agony. "Yeah, I probably shouldn't have done that." He coughed/spat up a fair quantity of blood onto the table. "If that babe comes back for me or anything, I'm going to be at the hospital for a while." Kiba quickly left the building, with Akamaru following closely behind.

Now it was at this point that the author figured out he did not have a good ending for this. And so he looked back over all his material he had typed up so far and tried to come up with something new. Unfortunately, this lead to a realization of Lee's words. Screaming as his mind fractured into many tiny pieces, he rolled on the floor, suffering unimaginable agony. I put him out of his misery with a steak knife to the heart. His funeral will be held 3pm next Saturday at the United Torontonian Atheists House of No Worship.

**Markus Wolfe**

**September 22, 1992 to March 2, 2010,**

**May He Rest In Peace**


End file.
